National Infertility Week

I am as much an avid gardener as I am writer. Both have been fabricated with my soul since I was young. I was reading over a few things I had penned long ago.

The quote I came across read as followed, “We lost a few seeds before they made it to the dirt to grow.”

For those that do not know, it is National Infertility Awareness Week.

It is a week that brings tears and breaks my heart for not only the experiences I’ve lived through but for the thousands of women and families this affects.

There are so many factors that could cause it to happen. Everything from defective genes, a deficiency, blood clot disorder or even PCOS.

I heard all the things too during secondary infertility. Just have more faith, pray more it will happen, don’t give up. None of which are bad things just not the right delivery.

I had lost seeds before they made it to the dirt to grow.

Why wasn’t my body cooperating? Why was my dirt not ok? And when would this nightmare end?

The first one I lost was about his time Spring of 2014.

About a month after the confirmation test from the doctor, red spots were showing up. I called the doctor and was rushed into another room alone. In that moment I was told that yes, my body was pregnant but the egg was empty. I said are you sure? It’s empty you said? I’m twelve weeks there should be a heartbeat?!?

It was confirmed by blood tests and an ultrasound that yes there was a complication. My doctor said that if I didn’t start to miscarry naturally within the next few days a D&C would the next step.

Devastated and shocked was the only thing I could be.

The first thought that came to mind was, God how could you! What a sick little joke! How could you allow this to happen? I left the room in tears and wept as I walked to the truck. In the following days I attended my sister in law’s baby shower for about 3o minutes and had to leave because I was starting to miscarry. The utter pain that I endured over the following days was awful but the emotional damage was even worse.

I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wanted to be by myself and all I wanted to do was cry.

October 2015 one more loss.

June 19th 2016 another one.

December 2016 yet again.

The terms recurrent miscarriage and secondary infertility we’re becoming the norm and I was done with it all. My faith was shaken and my mental capacity was shot. I was equally done saying “I’m fine” because I wanted to be more than fine.

Somewhere along the way, my paths cross with a wonderful OBGYN that did all the right testing to figure out the causes of what was going on. I had PCOS, a clotting disorder caused by a protein c deficiency, my cycles were extremely irregular and my ovulation was on misfire mode.

Completely unexpectedly, my fertility story did end with a little rainbow but I know all too often that this is not the case for everyone.

I can’t tell you that it’s going to work out in a certain direction. I can’t tell you that you won’t happen again.

All I can offer is that you’re not alone.

I see you. God see’s you and He holds every single one of your tears no matter how many you let fall.

Regardless of whatever the outcome with your fertility journey take time to take care of yourself. This is your journey, your life and your heart no one else’s.

If you need to go smash plates. Go smash plates. If you need to cry and take a few days. Do that. If you need to not go to baby showers because it is just too dang painful – they will understand. But let me tell you if they do not – they are not your people.

Trust friends and people that love you want the best for your heart NO MATTER the circumstances.

I love you sweet reader and so does our father.

If you need prayer over this specific season in your life please reach out. I would be more than honored to do so with you.