Allowing Space
One of the best things we can do for one another is to allow space.
Allowing space for the other party to…
Feel what they need to feel.
Break when they need to break.
Have their feelings when you’re in conversation with them so they feel validated and seen.
Have hurts but recognizing you do not have to take those hurts personally.
If you’re committed to a relationship, friendship or even relationship with your children, it is imperative to get out of your emotions. I’m not saying do not feel them, because you need to feel all the things too. But I am saying, to remember the other party was given emotions by the Lord too in which they are allowed to handle and feel as they do in their own ways.
However, in order to make any kind of relationship work, you need to allow for the Lord’s understanding and a humble grace to enter the atmosphere. (Hence why He put that into, Proverbs 3:5 – Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.) By doing so, you’re allowing, in a secure way, things to move forward at a healthy pace that works for all parties. Even if things don’t make 100% sense, as the Holy Spirit guides the relationship/situation this a healthy way to handle disagreements.
The of concept of attunement is something that was new to me but when my therapist opened me up to this, it was the sweet peace I needed to hear. It is simply this, being aware and responsive to another person’s emotions. We do this by:
Getting to know the other person by observing and empathizing.
Responding in supportive ways.
Recognizing their nonverbal ques as to how they’re feeling.
What does all of this do? Make the other person feel safe with you. They need you to see them as they are in that moment. You’re listening without personal agenda if you will.
A few years ago, I did a training with my counselor to learn how to navigate my emotions. Now I feel and I feel big. That’s just the way I’m wired. My heart is on my sleeve and when I love people, I love genuinely. However, with recognizing that, I needed to also remember to control those emotions in the healthiest maturest way possible. We did a very in-depth study of “emotions” from a guidebook by Bonnie Estes. Within that I learned to:
1. Identify my ego behaviors.
Yes, everyone has them regardless if you recognize that you do or not. You do! I tend to be a perfectionist, pleaser and can be critical at times.
2. Learned what my limited thinking was in order to move forward in positive ways.
I fear things falling apart, rejection and tend to feel responsible for others to feel supported.
3. Define my emotional needs.
This is VERY difficult to do as a default people pleaser personality. However, I learned that I needed to feel supported, I need to have a sense of connection with people within my inner circle and I want to feel valued by those close to me.
4. Set limits on myself when I feel my behavior/performance is poor. This right here was the hardest step of them all. Why do you ask? Because I still struggle with it! It is difficult to take thirty something years of a certain way of thinking and transform that into a different pathway. It’s possible, don’t get me wrong, but the beauty in it is that I’m trying, learning and giving myself a LOT of grace within the process. Some of the things I wrote down as limits were:
I will not take care of other people’s responsibilities.
People must respect my time.
My emotions will be respected.
I will respect my time.
Disrespectfulness will not be tolerated.
Outside of all of the counseling I undertook, this was by far the best thing I could have ever done for myself. I learned me. She was there all along but it has enabled me to truly see others as the Lord sees them.
I pray that my vulnerability in today’s post allows you to just feel real and seen. We’ve all got “stuff”, you’re not alone in that. I pray for your heart, your home and your relationships as the week moves forward.
Have a great week.
