I got it wrong

I got it wrong.

Within the past two months I have been extremely frustrated. There have been vet visits, my vehicle has needed repairs, a medical test, a dental procedure, things at the house in need of repair and the sickie bugs hitting all of us.

All of which has made my anxiety high, made me worry, thoughts of fear gripped my physical body and honestly has had me feeling like I did in early 2022 with those strings of panic attacks.

Two weeks ago, I took my daughters to a Christmas light display that I had booked when the early bird tickets went on sale in late summer. Instead of enjoying the beginning part of our weekend, I was riddled with worry thinking, “What if I break down? What if my vehicle doesn’t start when we leave this place? What if it breaks down when I’m going 70 down the highway?” All the what if’s were hitting my brain and I was in and out of dizziness with worry.

In the middle of all of this holiday season my book was also coming out. But with all of the financial burdens piling up I found myself not even able to enjoy this happy joyful season. I couldn’t even relax enough to fall asleep some nights. Fear was gripping me. I could feel it on every side just like the Israelites did when Pharoh’s army was encroaching on their peace and promises from the Lord.

This army was so vast that the Israelites became frustrated with their current circumstances and in their desperation cried out in Exodus 14:10-12:

10 As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians, marching after them. They were terrified and cried out to the Lord. 11 They said to Moses, “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? 12 Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, ‘Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians’? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!”

All they could see was what was right in front of them. Their current circumstances. They were surrounded on their sides and behind them by an army which wanted to kill them. Then set forth before them was the vast Red Sea with no shorelines in sight for refuge. They felt stuck.

This is much like how I have felt since early October. I told my best friend and Matt recently, “This is supposed to be a happy easy season! My book is coming out and it’s supposed to be enjoyable!! Why is it not?! Why are all the things happening right now with what seems like no end in sight from them?! This is frustrating.”

The Israelites story continues in Exodus 14:13-14:

13 Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. 14 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

My solution may not be a way to cross a vast sea and yours most likely isn’t either. I literally do not need a large vessel to reach a distant shoreline. But I have needed words of encouragement, reminders of hope and the Holy Spirit to comfort me in my worries. I am thankful for the people I have in my life who pour into me and have helped me change my perspective to a more upward position to the Lord.

The heat gets turned up sweet reader in the gold purification process. The crafter scrapes off the iniquities so that the pure gold is what is left and molded into what the crafter desires. In the same way, the worries, situations, people or old things are purged from you because they can not go with you in the next season! I am certainly preaching to the choir right now in my own season of purification.

So yes, I got it wrong. I should have been focusing on my blessings instead of my worries. But no one is perfect, not even me. Even though I try my hardest to get things “right” most of the time. I believe there is grace within that recognition from The Lord.

I am slowing down in my worries to notice the extra smiles from my daughters, the sweet moments with the guy I’m with and the simple cheesy moments of friendships I hold near and dear.

Things might still be messy but there is hope and I or you can not let the fears win. I pray that within this holiday season you’ll see the joy even in the chaos of the situations you may be in.

I’ll leave you with this verse from Psalms 1:3

He is like a tree
    planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
    and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.