Vulnerability

Pain builds wall.

Vulnerability builds doors.

Pain can be comfortable because it’s familiar.

Vulnerability can feel uncomfortable and takes faith to push through.

Pain offers shame, bitterness, and unforgiveness.

Vulnerability offers the chance to be seen, restoration and forgiveness.

I absolutely love Brene Brown’s work on vulnerability and shame because it speaks to the rawness of our inner core. She says that, “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

Recent events and circumstances left me feeling completely defeated, overwhelmed and full of pain and shame. Somewhere during the first week of the year, also the week of my book launch event, I twisted something in my neck. I pushed through and thought it’ll take a few more days and then whatever I pulled should be worked out by then.

Let me tell you – those tweaks and twinges hit differently when you are approaching 40 years of age. This pain had me wrenched to the point of tears and almost unable to speak without being in such terrible discomfort. Finally at the beginning of February, (yes, I can be that stubborn), I made the call to the orthopedic to schedule an appointment. He did all sorts of exercises, lifted my arm and took the x-ray’s. The verdict was such that I twisted something in my neck and needed to take a steroid pack and do exercises to relax the muscles to loosen up. We are seven weeks into this injury and I can say I feel almost back to normal.

Reverting back to January, my vehicle of five years decided to break and break hard. New engine parts and the labor to go along with it. I cringed and shut down. I didn’t just shut down a little bit I was headed down the path to be depressed because I wasn’t finding joy in anything. I just wanted to sit in the shower with my feelings and stay there. And I did for about an hour one Saturday afternoon.

I was physically in pain, financially in pain, my emotions were a wreck and getting my feelings hurt easily with the walls began to grow exponentially.

But I can tell you that I when I let my guard down with my closet friends and partner that’s when those walls of shame started to come down?

I talked to Matt after my shower pity party and shared my emotions, grief and all the things. It was time to be completely vulnerable. I said I felt like I was in the ditch. He said, “Yes you are, and I was about to start the hitch to get you out.” He let me be vulnerable without shame.

The enemy wants to play off of our emotions and continue to feed us lies we are already telling ourselves. That we are alone in our hurt, pain, circumstances. It felt embarrassing to say I didn’t know what to do and needed help. You have to understand I come from 30 something years of believing I had to do it all because that is what I have always had to do but the Lord kept whispering through my partner and through my friends, you are not alone. And neither are you sweet reader.

They were Jesus with skin on to me and I want you to know, no, I need you to know that whatever circumstance you think you might be in that is too big for God – let me tell you if He is a God that got you to it then, He is a God that WILL get you through it!

The solutions may look a little different that you or I in the natural might think of but there is always hope. There is always a way. I was given help, grace and a heck of a lot of blessings I wasn’t expecting to help things work! It was different – but it was what was needed.

The psalmist says is Psalms 62:5, “Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.”

Heal your mindset, and maybe change your perspective and you will see the hope that the Lord is trying to get you to see through the dark veils of your circumstances. Don’t you dare give up. Not when you’ve already made it this far.

I’ll finish today with this, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.” – Brene Brown