When the tears keep spilling over

I had an emotional moment last night that I didn’t mean to have but the tears just spilled out. There was no stopping them, there was no holding them back and it was frustrating me even more that I was allowing it to bother me.

Even this morning on the way to work I was struggling to hold them back again. I kept thinking what in the world is wrong with me?!? I can not let this hold power over me being as that experience was years ago.

Then I felt the nudge.

Write from your wounded place Jamie.

I started to rationalize with the Holy Spirit for a moment but I knew better than to do so.

A few years ago, I was in counseling for a better mindset and to start cleaning out my internal junk that had been there for far too long. Things that included false belief systems, feeling obligated to take care of everyone but not myself, intimacy trauma, fear of things falling apart and burning myself out from working too hard without resting.

I learned that ultimately this false thinking of trying to hold everything and everyone together was limiting my clarity and my life balance. I was trying so hard to keep things in control that I was actually losing it. I lost the balance within myself which affected everything else in my life.

I had gotten to a place where I didn’t think I was worthy of good, wholesome, respectful things or relationships in my life. I vividly remember thinking this was the hand I was dealt and it’s as good as it’s going to get.

Therefore, due to the value other people had put on me I believed it to my core.

When someone picks up an item at a garage sale, the price on it is based on the value the present owner says that it is. However, it is not priced based on the value of the creator.

I was living under the value of that same garage-salesy pricing system.

My Creator, our creator – God – does NOT price us like that. He values us, he sees our worth and in Isaiah 43:4 it says that we are precious to him, we are honored and we are loved.

I can tell you when you start to believe that, and I’m not talkin’ about putting it in a tattoo and just saying that you do. I’m talking about when your old memories start to taunt you and they throw you in a bad mental space they do not move you like they did. You may have yourself a moment or even a few. You may even shed some tears on the way to work about it all.

But.

The proof that you’ve dug into your vulnerable places to heal will be revealed in those times too. Because even though the stuff you went through wrecked you, you’re no longer allowing it to define you.

In fact now, you know your worth. You know your value. You’re stronger now that you did take the time to work through your shame and vulnerabilities. You’ve not only forgiven yourself for putting up with things but now you’re working on forgiving others too.

One of the things my counselor made me do, which at the time I gotta tell you I thought was the dumbest thing in the world. It actually took me several weeks to do too because I kept putting it off. It was dumb to me because that meant I’d have to release that pain and those memories. I thought if I held them all vested to my heart that the pain would keep me safe. On the contrary it did the opposite, it hindered my heart from healing.

She had me write a letter to myself. I had to forgive the wounded younger me from the shame, from the over-responsibility I felt, from feeling like I couldn’t trust anyone to help or support me.

Because of my limited belief system, I even had/have a hard time believing that God would take care of me. Despite Him always coming through for me, I still catch myself thinking that I have to even do God’s job sometimes too. (I may still be going around the mountain on that one a little bit but at least it’s a gradual climb up.)

This isn’t a pretty packaged blog post today. It’s raw and untied. So, I encourage you to start where you are today.

Maybe you need to write from your wounded place today too. Start by trying to identify what your limited belief systems are that keep you from reaching into your full capacity of healing. How do you break from those systems? What support do you need in order to do so?

I pray that the Holy Spirit will guide you in the process and give you the support you need to be the best version of yourself.

Have a wonderful weekend and remember you ARE worthy of all the good things too.