The Grief You Didn’t Expect

Matthew 5:4 says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

There was grief but then there was GREIF!!

Now, I didn’t think things were going to be all peaches and cream after my divorce. I was fully aware that there was going to be a season of healing. What no one really talked about was that I was going to have to grieve the ideals of what I thought life was going to be like after the judge signed the papers.

I am a planner naturally. Meaning it wasn’t in my plan to get divorced. Life circumstances happen, things change and don’t work out sometimes. That was a hard pill for me to swallow. This wasn’t in my blueprint plans for my life or my kid’s lives.

Pill number two that was hard to swallow, was I didn’t know how much more planning (really control) I was going to have to keep giving up to God when the divorce was over.

I found myself in a whirlwind of unexpected anxiety from feeling alone on the nights I didn’t have my kids. I also felt it when I went far distances with kids by myself. I ended up in the ER with several panic attacks and sleepless nights. It wasn’t until I had a huge come to Jesus in the middle of the night that I felt delivered from anxiety.

I didn’t expect the resentment and harbored feelings from kiddos not understanding the decision that was made. It’s been a rough road and still is some weeks but I think we’re finally in some good places now.

I didn’t expect the shame I felt when I was no longer invited to things because I was now single. When asked, the answer was “We didn’t want you to feel bad about not having someone, so we thought it was best to not invite you.”

I didn’t like the feeling of shame when I was at the doctor’s office updating my kids forms and under “parents’ marital status” – I had to check divorced.

I didn’t expect the disappointment I would feel when simple get togethers with friends got cancelled or I couldn’t go because I had the kids that night. I was craving fellowship and community. It wasn’t their fault I was divorced and my schedule revolved around making time work the best I could make it work. I understood the reasoning. I was just trying to use my time wisely and not hire a sitter when I was invited to these things when it was my days with the kids. I didn’t want to take mom time away from them.

I didn’t expect the awkward weirdness that surrounded the co-parentship and all of which that entails.

When I saw the old relics from the marriage, I didn’t expect the little heart jabs of pain which stabbed the wounds of old dreams.

I didn’t like the heartbreak I would feel when it wasn’t my day for their birthday/holidays and my time was short with them.

There are many other things over the course of over a year and a half that have been hard to navigate through. One might say, well goodness woman if you had known you would have gone through all of that would you still have done it? I would have. I still stand on it was the healthiest decision.

Despite all of the emotions that followed, grief isn’t a bad thing.

If the clouds never wept the rain drops,

then they’d never open up to the sunshine which is behind them.

I have found during the journey to healing, the biggest hurdle for my heart was letting go of my ideas for my life. Now dreams aren’t bad, and that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the ideal of having control. That’s what I had to relinquish to God. I’m not perfect and that is still a struggle for me. However, the peace of knowing that God really does have my best interest in mind is what has comforted me the most.

I still remember a statement during the thick of that storm, “Jamie are you absolutely sure, because this isn’t going to make you feel better.”

While the intent was well meant, the death in the marriage that I had already endured for years, this person didn’t know about. I understood the question and I have to be honest I resented this person for a while. It’s not that I was hoping for a magical feel better once the papers were final, I just knew the situation I was in wasn’t healthy.

God doesn’t hate the person once they’re divorced. He hates divorce because what it does to His children. It hurts. It’s hard. It’s crushing. He hates the sin and events that lead up to the divorce too.

There wasn’t one time that I didn’t think God wasn’t there with me in the midst of my grief.

Psalms 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Sweet friend, if you’re in the thick of a divorce season I pray that you will find peace amongst the pieces falling around you.

If you’re in the post season then I pray for your complete healing and that God will lift you up with a great support system. You’ll need that trust me. I don’t know where I would be without the amazing people, I had lifting me up.

Lastly, if you’re in the decision-making season, test every spirit and pray like crazy. It is a personal decision and I’ll never tell anyone to make it one way or the other. However, I will say this, if it is abusive in any way – emotionally, spiritually, physically, sexually or financially then please seek safe counsel and protection if it is needed. Abuse in any way is 100% not ok. I pray that God keeps you safe and unscathed.

Please use the message feature if you need resources or if you need prayer this week.

I pray y’all have a great week and find peace within any situation you’re in.